It’s been a while since I posted any photos of my hosiery. Displayed are my fit yams inside a pair of Levi’s sock I purchased on sale at Fenwicks - £3 for two pair. The white thing I am standing on is my new favorite possession - my Nintendo Wii Fit. More on that later.

JL

Warning - there be some swearing in this one.

***

Amy Winehouse has reminded me that I did once really loose it on stage. I didn’t punch anybody but I did… I’m getting ahead of myself.

I was performing at the London comedy club called the Acton Banana. Unlike the excellent Balham Banana, the Acton club was a thrown together affair. The stage was a stacking plinth with a bit of plywood tacked on and the lights were two Anglepoise lamps mounted on mike stands on either side of the stage. The front row table began where the comedian’s toes ended - it was a tight club.

I had just finished performing a rope trick when somebody threw something at me. The lights were so close and bright that I didn’t see it coming until it was inches from my face. I ducked out of the way in very uncool fashion. Quickly I realised that what had been thrown was the knot that had popped off of my rope in the previous trick and that it was thrown by the guy sitting directly in front of me. I picked up the knot, placed it onto his table and said, “Don’t throw things at me.”

Now, I can take any kind of verbal abuse on stage but if somebody throws something, then either the thrower goes, or I go. That’s not just me, that’s pretty much everybody’s rule. I was once hit in the head with a glass ashtray, when the word got out, none of the comics would work that club and it eventually closed. Luckily projectiles are rare. In my 20 or so years I’ve only been a target a handful of times - but that’s enough.

Since what this guy had thrown was technically something I had thrown at him, I continued with my show. Then the guy threw the knot at me again. I stopped and without any humour, forcefully said, “Do not throw things at me.” I couldn’t have been plainer.

I continued with my act and then this asshole, who was no more than three feet away, balled up a damp napkin and bounced it off my forehead. I lost it. With all of my might, I threw at this guy what at that moment was in my right hand. I threw it so hard I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. If I had been juggling at the time I would have killed him, fortunately I had a balled up crisp packet in my hand.

I screamed, “IF YOU THROW ONE MORE THING AT ME I’M GOING TO…..” The closer I got to the end of that sentence the more I wondered, What am I going to do to him? Punch him? Then I saw the three full pints of beer on his table.

“If you throw one more thing at me I’m going to pour a pint of beer on your head.”

The person sitting next to him pushed his beer towards me. He obviously knew this guy and knew what was going to happen next. The asshole balled up another paper napkin and flicked it at me.

What could I do? I had pretty much publically issued a legally binding contract. I picked up the pint and doused the contents directly in his face.

Let me tell you - there is a lot of liquid in a pint. He was instantly drenched. He reached for a beer to send my way but before he could, I picked up the lead based microphone stand and pushed it into his chest. As I pinned him into the lap of the poor person sitting behind him I hissed, “Don’t even fucking think about it.”

Like a sheriff waiting for a gunslinger to re-holster his gun, I waited for his hand to pull back from the table, before I let him up. I looked and saw 200 audience members staring at me wide-eyed and there wasn’t a closed mouth in the room.

In the dressing room I packed my stuff. I fully expected not to be paid and never to get booked by the promoter Dave again. As I tried to sneak out Dave caught me by the arm and handed me my fee.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” I asked.

“Mad?” he said. “I thought it was great. Leave it in the act.”

The 105 year old Olive (pictured above stuffing her face) was troubled by a common medical event - she was ovulating. This resulted in her being egg-bound, forcing my Refol Nadene cut a window in her underside shell and performing a hysterectomy. (Did I mention that my Refol is an vet - it’s not like she is an accountant that did this on a whim.) After a bit of fiberglassing the centenarian is a good a new.

A pair of sock will be winging its way to my sister Sara - when I get around to it.

JL

Amy Winehouse is in the news again for bad behaviour - this time for punching an audience member in the front row of her gig at Glastonbury. While I can’t bring myself to condone Amy’s previous misdeeds, I applaud her for that one. Let’s assume that Amy isn’t barking mad and there is a reason for her clocking this person. Some say it was because an audience member dared to touch her beehive hairdo but from what I saw it’s more likely the person said something. If that’s the case, then every comedian in the world is sitting back saying, “Good on ya, Amy.”

Regular shouting hecklers are a pain but at least it happens in open court. The audience can hear both sides of the duel between the comedian and the heckler. The comedian usually wins and the peer pressure of the group shuts the disrupter up. A heckler in the front row is a comedic nightmare. The problem is that since a front row heckler is so close, it’s usually only the performer and a handful of people around him** (usually the asshole’s friends) that can hear what’s being said. On stage, if you use your regular heckle comeback lines, like the oldie but goodie, “It’s a shame when cousins marry,” the audience wonders what you are going on about. If you have to get real heavy on him, then the audience wonders why you are being so mean. What usually happened is that you either have to ignore him, in which case he ruins you timing all night or you flip out. It looks like Amy flipped and I thought she did it really well. It would be inaccurate to say she didn’t miss a beat cause she literally did but only a couple. She threw an elbow and two really good jabs and was back on-tempo by the end of the bar. I’ve come close to belting someone in a front row but never had the guts – well done Amy.

JL

**I say him because most asshole hecklers are men but there are exceptions. I once worked with Robin Williams at London’s Comedy Store. I was MCing and Robin was of course on last. There had been a horrible, drunken, stupid, female, front row heckler that had been tripping up comedians all night.

When she heckled Robin he stopped and asked, “Why are you heckling me?”

The woman answered, “I love you.”

Robin replied by holding an imaginary rifle up to his eye, “That’s like Oswald saying, ‘I really respect you Mr. President.’”

I’m making my first Ebay sale. This is a very funky bike I bought for my son in the USA and humped it all the way back here to England. It looks fab but weighs a ton. If you live near NW2 and you want to stand out in the crowd place a bid.

Say Hello to Olive. Olive is my Refol’s 105-year-old tortoise who is living with me now. Olive was unwell recently - a pair of socks to anyone who can guess what was wrong with her.

I know I’m way behind in posting socks to previous winners - if you are due socks, send an email with a postal address to:

podlit (at) gmail (dot) com

Don Imus is in another racial flare up. I’ll give Imus the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t mean what his comments sounded like, but you would think that a man whose job is words would know better. I want to address the incident that got him fired from CBS.

Everyone is now saying that Imus lost his job at CBS for being a racist, I don’t think that’s true. Regardless of whether his comments about those girls were racist or not, they certainly were downright mean. He did humbly apologise and I think he could have weathered that storm but for the content of the rest of that show.

The TV and radio industry has a thing called ratings week. That’s when the pollsters are counting your audience and the advertisers are listening to programs to see if they want to sponsor them. During ratings week all the scripts are sharp and everyone is on their best behaviour. By making the “Nappy-headed” comment, Imus turned that particular show into his own international ratings week. The whole world heard the insensitive comment but then half the world listened to the rest of the show and it wasn’t good. Those people asked CBS, “Do you pay good money for this?”

Imus and his production team were coasting that day – normally that wouldn’t be a problem , if you have to crank out a show every day then some of them are going to be better than others. But if your shows a clunker and you say something stupid - that makes everyone listen to it – then you get what you deserve.

I read in the NY Times that one’s waist should be no more than half his height. I almost made it. How about you?

JL

There is a cool website that makes art from words - called Wordle. I entered all of the words from my Shadowmagic style sheet and got this.

Shadowmagic is due out in hardback on the 4th of August. Click here for more details or to be put on the mailing list.

John Scalzi’s blog Whatever is one of my favs. Yesterday be had a photo competition that really tickled me. He asked what was going on in this picture. Click on the photo to read some of the replies.