Lonely Socks

This is the saddest site I have ever visited – Please help.

www.lonelysocks.co.uk

A world without Garrfield

Subgear slipped an amazing comment on the Garfield sock page that really shouldn’t be missed. He wrote:

Speaking of Garfield, Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

A New Jersey Crapper

I’m still too jet-lagged to get back into the swing of writing so I’ll drop in an old journal piece I stumbled on today.

 

Internal Thinking

New York and Philadelphia, America’s first and fourth largest metropolises, bastions of culture, commerce, art and architecture. Sure there’s squalor within their beltways but the cities try to fix it – or at least hide it. Not so with the road between. The New Jersey Department of Transportation seems to go out of its way to ensure that the scenery on the NJ Turnpike is as unbecoming as possible. Apparently if you want to build something that can be viewed by a highway motorist, it has to be a warehouse or a chemical refinery.

I drove past the Woodrow Wilson Memorial Rest Area. Although I needed a break I refused to stop as a matter of principal. The 28^th President of the United States, a Nobel Piece prize recipient and the architect of the League of Nations deserves better than to have a toilet named after him. I thought I could hold out until the Thomas Edison Memorial Stop – I had read somewhere that Edison was a bit of a bastard. I resolved that if I ever got famous I would stipulate in my will that no one could name a New Jersey crapper after me. On second thought I’m going to amend my will as soon as possible, in case my dying act is so heroic that I’m awarded with posthumous fame.

‘The Garden State’, what a joke of a state slogan that is. I spent the rest of the journey back to Philadelphia trying to think up an alternative. The best I came up with was – “NEW JERSEY – A STATE TO GET THROUGH.”

Top Banana

I’m back from a fab ski trip in Utah. Thanks to the sale at a local sports shop I was able to wear a new pair of ski socks every day at a very reasonable price.

After almost 24 hours of travelling I arrived at Gatwick airport at 10 AM, went home, had a nap and then had to do my one-man show that night. I knew it was going to be tough so I wore a pair of Big Banana Socks from the Sock Shop. Despite my exhaustion I was quite wonderful (if I must say so myself) and I think a small part was due to these outstanding socks.

Speaking of the Sock Shop, Mikhel Ruia SC’s marketing director has graciously sent me a hole bunch of socks in the post. Soon I shall be reviewing each and every one.

Change of Socks

I found this in Utah’s largest gift shop.

It gives a new meaning to, “a change of socks.”

There is going to be swearing in this post.

I tried never to swear around my son as he grew up and I never let him swear in front of me. This isn’t because I am anti-swearing – I love curse words. There are times when only a loud, one-word description of a bodily function will express one’s true emotions. No, I didn’t allow my son to swear in front of me or his mother so he would learn how not to swear. I had no problem with him F-ing blind with his friends, but I wanted to be sure he was able to turn language like that off and on. It would not be good if he met the Pope and said, “Were the fuck did you get that hat?”

I was trying to remember the first time my son heard me swear and two events come to mind but I can’t remember which was first. One was in the airport in Newark New Jersey. We had just been on one of those flights that had been delayed three hours, then we sat on the plane for an hour and a half, then we deplaned and then waited three more hours. When we finally arrived in Newark if was two in the morning and the airport was deserted. We got on one of those automated trains that runs between terminals. I was pissed off and bone tired. As we reached the arrivals hall the train’s recorded announcement said, “This is the north terminal – step lively off the train.” It actually had the nerve to say “step lively” to me. I looked at the loudspeaker and said, “Fuck off!”

The other incident was a lot more public. It was at The Little Mermaid Show in Disneyland Florida. The Little Mermaid Show is a mixture of live actors and human sized puppets. Towards the end of the show the Little Mermaid was sitting on a rock stage right. Since the Disney animated film, on which this show was based, was one of my son’s favourites, I had seen it quite a few times. I knew that in a moment the mermaid would be transformed in to a girl – with legs. My magical training made me suspect the large rock that the mermaid was sitting on – I knew that this was where the fin-to-legs switch would happen and I was going to see it. I also knew that in a moment something was going to happen on stage to distract me from seeing that switch but I was not going to be misdirected – I was going to burn The Little Mermaid.

Quite a lot of magic is performed by misdirection. The old expression “The hand is quicker than the eye,” is not true. Slight of hand works not by speed but by the performer controlling his/her audience’s attention. The hand doesn’t have to be quicker than the eye when it’s not looking at it. Burning is a term we magicians use to describe an audience member who will not be misdirected. I was going to burn that mermaid on that dodgy rock. I was not going to be distracted, I was going to burn her no matter what because this is my job, my profession. If anyone could burn the mermaid and find out how the switch is made it was me – because I am a professional.

Up until this part of the show we, the audience, had seen every character that had appeared in the Disney Animated film except one – the prince’s shaggy sheepdog. The gorgeous rambunctious dog bounded onto stage left and every eye in the theatre was drawn to it – including mine. I didn’t even have to look back to know that she now had the legs and that I had missed it. That’s when I shouted, “FUCK!”

Not only was my son shocked and my wife appalled but a fair amount of fellow parents around me were horrified and bewildered as to what could make a person shout “Fuck” in the Little Mermaid Show. I pulled my Mickey Mouse eared hat down over my eyes as I made the long walk out.

Dragoncon

Yes I’m skiing. Socks go to Subgear and Chia for the wittiest answers. Sorry but being right doesn’t count on this blog.

Skiing is a full time holiday that makes me feel guilty for ignoring you all so for the next couple of day’s I’m going to post some of the photos I took at last year’s Dragoncon. Dragoncon is the second largest science fiction and fantasy convention in the US. About 40 thousand people were there and a quarter of them were dressed to the hilt. I was there promoting Shadowmagic and had some tattoos made as give-aways. They were a huge hit. It became very de rigueur to sport a Shadowmagic tattoo on one’s cleavage (as well as other spots)and I got to apply most of them. I had a great convention.

Keep it Clean

Sorry I haven’t been posting much but I’m on holiday. I’m wearing these babies today. Anybody want to guess what I’m doing? (Keep it clean.)

JL

I’m not the only one with feet.

I’m traveling and can’t really post for a couple of days. That doesn’t mean that you, dear readers, can’t write about your favorite hosiery.

JL

Joe Cool

It’s my birthday today. I spent ages going through my sock store, try to catch my mood on this momentous birthday. I found this pair on the bottom of the pile. As soon as I saw them I just knew they were the ones.

JL