A Timely Tale

Before I went away on my last cruise ship. (If you want to know where I went just ask RobC cause he seems to be stalking me.) I told Nadene this story and was glad I did.

Twenty-some years ago as I was travelling the world I found myself on the Spanish island of Tenerife for about five months. It was the heyday of cheap package holidays and all of northern Europe had turned the once deserted south of the island into a hotel/apartment/nightclub jungle. I was working in night clubs as a magician. The club owners didn’t really care about my act they just wanted to have some kind of event in their clubs – anything- so they could give out free admission tickets. At 2 AM they would stop the music and throw me on the dance floor. Most of the patrons had scored and were off bonking – the ones that were there were too drunk to even notice me. It was as horrible as it sounds but what – give up showbiz?

While waiting for 2AM to roll around I had a lot of time on my hands. I hung out in Stumps a British bar but every nationality had there own watering holes. I realise one night that I had been to a Swedish, German, Irish, Spanish, Dutch, and Norwegian bar so I decided that this night I would see if there were any national bars that I had missed.

In a precinct I had never been in before, I saw Cafe de Paris. French, I thought to my self, I haven’t been to one of them. The place was dark and I walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. It was very expensive. A plump woman sat next to me at the bar and spoke to me in Spanish.

When I looked confused the bartender helpfully translated. “She wants to know if you would like to buy her a drink?”

I didn’t.

“The drinks for the girls are £20,” the bartender added.

I wondered why a drink for this woman would be four times the price of my already overpriced beer and the confusion must have shown on my face cause that’s when she placed her hand on my crotch. Like a veil being drawn away from my eyes, I looked around and saw that I was in a brothel. How I had missed it before still baffles me to this day. It was dark and lit with ruby light. The paintings on all of the walls were just short of pornographic. Everywhere you looked men were lounging on low sofas with scantly clad girls draped over them. I gave my bar neighbour back her hand and made a quick exit.

Now the reason I was glad I told Nadene that story before my last trip is because while I was away Nadene was very busy. She practically bought every flowering plant at the garden centre and filled the yard of my house with colourful plants. I arrived home and just sailed past them without even a word. But she couldn’t take it personally because – after all – I’m the guy who walked into a a brothel and didn’t notice until I had a strange hand in my lap.

By the way, the flowers are lovely.

6 Responses to “A Timely Tale”

  1. osirisoflight Says:

    That is a pleasant story. It gave me a good chuckle.

  2. nadene Says:

    John, only you could ‘accidentally’ go to a brothel and not realise it! You are unique and wonderful but next time you go away I will fill the garden with scantily clad men and see what happens!
    xx N

  3. Andy Taylor Says:

    It’s actually quite easy – I managed it in Prague a few years ago. Went to a bar, wondered why there were groups of scantily clad women sitting around. Then I read the signs on the wall, which were price lists, but not for the beer….

  4. Scott Pack Says:

    Oh, we’ve all done that Nadene.

  5. nadene Says:

    A convenient excuse if I ever heard one Scott! = )

  6. Catherine Says:

    A friend of mine re painted her downstairs loo. New wallpaper, new paint, fresh carpet.

    She did this while her husband was away for the weekend.

    He came home, he went to the loo, no comment came, he hadn’t noticed.

    So, she waited to see how long it would take before he did.

    She waited six months.

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