Already I miss her.

I’m off on another cruise ship and already I miss her. Her firm figure, her flawless smile, her infinite patience and her effortless tuition. I’m talking, of course, about the virtual trainer on my Nintendo Wii Fit.

I’ve been a member of the same gym for over a decade. Earlier this year it was taken over by Virgin. The first thing they did was replace the small sweat towels in the gym with paper towels. In a press release they claimed it was for environmental reasons. When I asked them for the data showing that disposable paper was more environmentally friendly than washing towels they didn’t have any – it was a crock. A classic example of big business falsely improving their image, while in reality only cutting costs. I started a petition in the gym and Virgin Active got real shirty about it – refusing to accept the petition and ultimately threatening to kick me out if I didn’t stop. Ever since then I hated going to the place. So when I saw that Nintendo had a virtual fitness program for the Wii that cost about the same as a month’s membership – I booted Virgin Active and decided to buy a Wii Fit.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Buying a Wii fit was just marginally easier than getting a kilo of black-market weapon’s grade plutonium. Through dull persistence I finally spotted one in John Lewis and after elbowing an old lady and trampling two small children – I got one.

I can’t tell you how hooked I am. Like sex and dancing, exercising is something that I have always felt shouldn’t be done in public. I’ve never been comfortable with people watching me sit and push up, torso twist, leg lift and especially sweat. Now I can do all of that and even wear a sleeveless wife beater shirt if I want to. (I don’t.) It’s just me and my virtual trainer – and she would never tell.

At the heart of the Wii Fit is the Wii board that senses when you step on it and registers fluctuations in your balance. During many of the exercises, a dot representing your balance appears on the screen and it’s your job to keep it inside a defined area. It is very effective in making you focus on the exercise and is an ingenious way for the program to keep track of your progress. The sensor also makes the Wii Fit a set of scales. Every day your trainer weighs you and keeps track of your weight gain, or loss, on a graph. If your set goal is to lose weight then on morning were your mass increases the Wii asks you why you think you gained weight. In other words, it asks you to grass on yourself. I’ve lost five pounds in a week and I’m certain that it is because I live in terror of disappointing my Wii trainer.

But now I’m going to be away from her for a week, surrounded by luxury cruise ship food. The question is – will I pig out? I doubt it – I’m too scared of her.

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One Response to “Already I miss her.”

  1. osirisoflight Says:

    I was one of the unlucky ones that did not have the opportunity to trample people to get a Wii Fit. i had to work the day they came out here in the US. by the time i was able to leave my office they were all long gone and being sold on ebay. Fricken extortionists. I’ll probably get one eventually.

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