Archive for September, 2008

Young People’s Music These Days

5,September, 2008

WARNING – there are rude words below.

One evening, when my son was much younger than the 6 foot 2 man that he is today, we together entered the local video rental shop.  The loud hip hop music alerted me to the fact that the usual sober manager was not on duty and some teenage girl was commander-in-chief for the night.

Now, I go to great lengths to try and avoid complaining about “Young people’s music these days.”  I do enough stuff that involuntarily makes me act like my father – for instance, moaning when I get up from a chair – that I don’t need to say things like, “In my day you could hear the lyrics,” or “What are those rap singers in such a hurry to say all the time?”  But the music in the video shop was not only loud, it was liberally peppered with profanities and it was quite sexually explicit.

If I had been alone I almost certainly would have just gotten out of there as quickly as I could and not said a word but since my son was dithering over his video choice, I thought it would be nice if he was just a bit older before he learned how to, “Smack his bitch around.”  So I walked up to the gum chewing teenage girl, who’s boyfriend was DJ-ing in the back, and told her that maybe this music was inappropriate for a shop that had children in it.

Without batting a fake eyelash she told me that she thought that the music was perfectly appropriate.  So I listened for a couple of seconds and said to her, “I’m going to lick your pussy until you scream.” As you might expect, she was appalled and said, “What?!”

I explained to her that I was just repeating the last line of the “appropriate” lyrics that had at that moment been played over the store’s loudspeakers.  She scurried off and put on some Muzak.  Score one for me.

The best part of this story is that I told it to a friend of mine in America.  That weekend he was in church and before the service started he snickered to himself, remembering what I had said.  His sister-in-law (also an old family friend) asked him what was so funny and he leaned in and told her.  As he came to the line, “I’m going to lick your pussy until you scream,” of course the organ stopped and the church was completely quiet.  The occupants of the two pews in front of them looked around horrified.

Score several more for me.


Shadowmagic is in Hardback!

4,September, 2008

It’s arrived!!!!!! It’s really real.  Saying that I haven’t seen it yet.

I’m on a cruise ship but my Refol opened a package today and this fell out.

Nadene says they look beautiful.  Now don’t go inundating me about where to get a copy.  I won’t have any details until next week.  But in the meantime I think I have to find me a bottle of champagne.

John Lenahan – Author

Kissing Mermaids

4,September, 2008

This morning, I kissed a mermaid – while I was underwater of course.  My life is strange indeed.

Even though I am yet to make a living out of novel writing, I am treating it like it’s a job.  Each day I lock myself away and plop into this fantasy world of my own creation, that sometimes gets so real that it makes me cry at a death of a character or laugh at a joke that I wrote myself.  Then after immersing in this universe for a couple of hours, I step blinking into the real world, often desperate to share my eventful day with someone.  That’s when I  find that as I explain the intricacies of Banshee warrior magic or Imp sword fighting, my captured audience is usually only a step away from calling the men in the nice white coats.

So to all of my friends – fear not.  My grip on sanity is still strong and I am not losing myself in the imaginary world that I have created.  I know the difference between fact and fantasy.  But just between you and me – it’s really nice kissing a mermaid.

Where am I – is back!

3,September, 2008

Just figure out where I was the other day from the following photos and I’ll promise to send you a pair of socks and then probably never get around to doing it.


A Man in Occupied France

3,September, 2008

My Refol was awoken the other night by me fondling her in my sleep.  Apparently I said I was looking for my glasses.  When I couldn’t find them between her bellybutton and chin I apparently said, “Oh never mind,” and immediately went back to sleep.

I have no recollection of the alleged incident but I don’t doubt it.  I have a history of nocturnal exclamations.  (Saying that, I’ve never copped a feel in my sleep before.  It’s a shame I missed it.)  My two favourites happened with previous Refols.

I once shot upright in bed, startling my collage sweetheart Annette and shouted, “GOD DAMN CATTLE.  WHERE’S ANNETTE!” then flopped back down into a deep sleep.

By my favourite happened with my late wife.  I had been asleep for quite a while before she turned off her reading light.  As she was just about to close her eyes I popped up on one elbow and tapped her on the shoulder.  In a conspiratorial voice I said, “I know a man in occupied France who can get you all the girls you want.”  Then I winked at her and rolled over – fast asleep.

Man, there is a dream I wish I remembered.